Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Liar, Liar...

I have a friend who I believe is a pathological liar. The MAIN purpose of me writing this blog is the hopes that this person sees this blog and recognizes its about them, and decides to do something about their life. This is not about me, because these lies do not personally affect me but they do affect our friendship and our interactions. Let me explain...

When I first met TJ* (not their initials or related to their name but this allows for anonymity)  I thought they were the bees knees! TJ lived an awesome life, knew awesome people, and had a great wealth of knowledge. I immediately became taken with this person and wanted them in my life. So we became friends and I loved hearing their fanciful tales of places and people. There were times I'd say to myself "this seems unbelievable" but never far-fetched. I am sure some of the stories I tell seem implausible, so I would dismiss any notions I'd have about their life because...well...it wasn't my life and just because I can't doesn't mean they can't. TJ became a good friend.

As years went on I started realizing that TJ had a lying problem. I started recognizing lies TJ was telling to me and others. Sometimes on Twitter, I'd see them tweeting about certain things and I'd say to myself "That's not right..." and it'd be silly stuff. Like "What are you doing tonight?" TJ would say "About to go to this spot, get some more drinks, party blah blah..." when they would be at home about to go to bed. These petty lies meant nothing at the time because we all lie right? We lie for various reasons...to look good, to protect ourselves, to protect our friends, to get over.

NOTE: I think lying to protect someone's feelings is bullshit. You are NOT protecting anyone's feelings, you are protecting your own livelihood. If  you cared about a person's feelings, you would STOP with the actions hurting that person OR you'd leave that person alone because you aren't the friend that person needs. How simple is that? But I digress...

I didn't care. If TJ wanted to be a liar all of their life then fine. Not my issue. But one day I caught them in a flat out lie. I later hit them up like "Why did you lie about this?" (The lie involved me so yes I'm asking). They spun such a tale that I begin to believe that I was the one tripping. Okay TJ didn't lie. It wasn't like THAT. Fine. But as years went on, I noticed it more and more. TJ lied about 70% of the time. It wasn't hurtful lies, or serious lies. But they were lies. And now I'm thinking...TJ can't help lying. Lying has become such a part of this person's every day life that they lie about the most mundane things without forethought.

You: "TJ did you read that book?"
TJ:  "Yeah."
You: "What did you think?"
TJ: "Ahh it was ok. But (general thing on author)."
You: "Well ok. But what did you think about this part?"
TJ: "It was ok."

Now you could say "TJ just wasn't interested in talking about the book." However, if you bring up a book TJ did read, they will carry on a full convo about the book even if they hated it. Okay so why are you lying about reading this book TJ? Finally I said to TJ. "You are a liar, and I don't trust a lot of what you say." TJ looked stupid. TJ made up an excuse. TJ denied it all. The wild part about all this is...the things you THINK TJ is lying about are true. It's the petty nonsensical stuff that TJ lies about that makes this all so crazy.TJ has a problem.

Most recently TJ lied to me about their ex. They said their ex was doing xyz. So when I saw their ex on the street I said to them "Oh I heard about xyz. Congrats!" The ex goes "What?" I repeat that I heard whatever good news it was and they go "no...who told you that..." and I almost say "TJ." but then I stop and go "wait wait...i confused you with (other person with same name). i think they are doing that now...my fault." Because had I said TJ I believe this person may have ranted. Days later when I spoke to TJ, I wanted to bring up the info on their ex but then I stopped myself. TJ will lie again and make up some excuse. Or my fav is "I never said that, what I said was..." Exposing TJ's lies doesn't bring about change, it just brings about more lies to cover up the initial lies.

This past weekend I spoke to TJ. They asked me what I did and I lied. I lied because I didn't want to engage this person, because I felt they didn't deserve to know my life if they kept lying to me and everyone else about theirs. I lied because I was upset. I lied because that seems to be TJ's preferred method of communication. I lied and I can admit it.

TJ can you admit to your lies? Not for me, because it's not about me. I will be your friend regardless, but what I cannot and will not do is to continue to entertain your antics. I tried pointing out blatant lies. I tried pointing it out low key. I tried being high key about it. I said specifically to you "You are a liar." Now I'm typing it in my blog so that the message won't be lost upon you. You are lying to people who love you for no reason. I have no clue as to who you are trying to impress. It can't be me. I don't know why lying is your go to mechanism. Lying doesn't show strength. It shows weakness. Weakness in recognizing the truth and accepting it. Because if you really accepted truth and reality, this facade you created would crumble. But sometimes things need to be destroyed in order to be rebuilt into something better.

TJ you are an amazing person, but you are a liar. I want you to break this cycle because only in truth will you be free and only in truth will you become the person you are trying to be.

But a quick question to my readers...how would you (or how do you) deal with a person who you consider a good friend who is always lying to you?

2 comments:

  1. If you didnt live in New York I would swear we had the same friend!

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  2. I don't know that a good friend lies to or on you consistently, so I may have to consider phasing them out.

    ReplyDelete