Wednesday, June 17, 2015

On Transition...

Initially I wanted to write this blog about procrastination...but I couldn't get it together. Then when I finally sat down to do it, I realize I wrote one on the same topic on 12/26/09. It's right here: Procrastination is a Mutha!. Of course, I go back to read that blog and it's about me trying to write an essay for a grant. I did NOT get that grant in 2009. I got that grant this year. In 2015. Think about that...it took me damn near 5 years to write what I needed to write to get that money. I believe I did finish and submit it in 2010, but I didn't get it. Last year, I saw some summer classes I wanted to take at Columbia U and said "Wait, I know where I can get the money." Less than a week later, I had done everything necessary. A few months later, they call me and say they were really impressed with my essay and LOR (which I wrote for one of my supervisor's because that's how things are done)...as she's gushing I'm like man...maybe this writing thing is for me.

But I digress.  This is about transition.

Lately everyone around me has been in a transitional phase. Leaving jobs, homes, friends, whatever, and starting new. In the past few months around 5 ppl have left my job. Three of them went to totally different careers and I'm proud of them. But I'd be lying if I didn't say I was jealous. Well, I don't know if  jealous is the word.

What's the word for when you wish you could do something to but you aren't 100% sure what that thing is you want to do but you know that you want to do something else and you want to be great at and you think MAYBE it's this one thing or maybe it's that one thing so essentially you can't go anywhere because you don't know what to do?

That feeling? Do you know it? What's that called? Help me define the space I am in.

I jot down things I  know...like...

I love writing.
I love public health.
I love working with kids.
I like teaching but would never do it all day, everyday.
I want to be able to work from home sometimes.
I want a PhD.
I love tweeting. Can I get paid for this?!?! (Seriously...if I could get paid to tweet!!!!)
I want to travel more.
I love money not being an issue.

And that's the biggest thing...when you get to the point in your life where you aren't living check to check, you kind of settle into that because that's comfortable. Is life about being comfortable? A lot of people will say it's about being happy...but comfort is happy sometimes right?

I don't know where I'm going. But I will say this...a few years ago one of my friends told me that I had to spend at least 3 years in NYC to get the real experience of living in the city. He was right. And now it's almost 5 years later (well October, I will have lived here 5 years. How the hell did time fly?). I now realize that what I thought I came here for it not why I'm really here...I saw I came here for more opportunities but really...I was tired of being who I was in Baltimore. And while I'm still not the person I want to be, I know I'm finally on the path of who I was meant to be.