Sunday, December 22, 2013

Bucket List Item #1: My First Time...

NOTE: This blog probably isn't the greatest one for my older family members to read. I mean it's not
BAD but it may be TMI. That said, read at your own risk and please don't text me or ask me about this later (MOM: this means YOU)

In my quest to bring more enjoyment to my life, I have been slowly (but surely) trying to delete things off my bucket list. This blog will be about item #1: GET A BRAZILIAN WAX. Okay Okay...I know you're laughing right now...why would that be on my bucket list? Well several reasons:

  • I have never had one
  • Women think their awesome and apparently so do men. 
  • It's a new experience
I mean I try to stay groomed but really I don't concern myself with it too much. I haven't had complaints and I'm of the belief that pubic hair is necessary and healthier to have. I won't get into that now but I equate hair to being grown, so the preference and desire to be hairless is so childish. However, after a few inquiries into why I am so anti, I decided to give it a try. I bought a groupon but never went through with it (it's still good right?). I talked to friends, I read up on it online, and I consulted several places but I was still in that "hell no" mind state. Until recently when I went to a hot yoga/pilates infusion class and pulled off my sweats. I had on yoga shorts but they had rolled up and OMG, I was looking like a wooly mammoth. I wasn't caring and was just oh so lazy. So because of embarrassment, the next day I went to the new spa place across from my job. They had a $50 special (for two Brazilian waxes). I opted to just pay $30 for one. Thanks to my boss for our Christmas bonus monies!  Anyway everyone had said to take tylenol so it won't hurt as much. But I didn't. I don't know if that would have helped or not. 

Anyway the lady tells me to strip down and lay on the table. She then says "Oh first time?" while dousing me in baby powder. At this point I'm self conscious. I never read about baby powder before, am I funky? I tried to clean up before I came (I didn't want to be THAT woman) and I took a shower that morning. She then begins to rubbing some warm liquid all over me. This isn't too bad. I am on my phone, tweeting "Beyonce Think Pieces" when she puts the first strip on me. I have a high tolerance for pain so I'm just laughing. THIS IS WHERE THINGS CHANGE. 

As soon as she snatches that strip away I drop my phone. I am like OMG! She senses my pain and tells me to "hold this" to make it not hurt as much. Basically I'm holding my skin taunt while she is pulling off all my hair! The first strip pull is the worse, the follow up "clean up" in the same area is okay. But each time she moves to a new area, I start to flinch. Someone calls her and she leaves, she's halfway through and I'm contemplating a 40 year old virgin move and leaving half done. But that's so tacky. I soldier through it. She talks to me about getting health insurance and finding a new OB/GYN who can  help with fertility issues. I recommend some in the building I work in, and casually watch the clock. In total, it took her about 15 minutes. When she was done, she put ALL the baby powder on me and smiled. "Come back in 3 weeks!" I tipped her $10. 

I go to the bathroom later to admire her work. I am completely bald. I haven't seen my vagina look this way since I was 11 or 12. It's so odd but interesting. I tell some of my girlfriends and they laugh at me. Of course the standard "Wait until you have sex" texts are sent to me. Is this why y'all do this? So sex can be amazing? Like there is no other way? "It drives men crazy!" WHAT?!?! 

Days later I am still in shock. I still stare at it like "Did I really just did this?" It's cool...different. I am not swayed toward it, but I am open to keeping this up for a while just for the simple fact that it IS different. 

I just gotta say this is a funny pre-Christmas blog but oh so real. Happy Holidays all (if I don't post again which I probably won't). 

P.S. I am knocking down my bucket list line by line!!! However, as I take off items, I add more. But I guess that's the point right? To enjoy life. I have already decided that when I do my 2014 New Year "Resolutions", I am just going to make the goal to complete 5 things on my bucket list. Oh look. There it separate blog necessary!

As always, follow me on twitter: @StephBMore

1 comment:

  1. Maybe this is tacky but oh well: I am SO glad that I'm a guy.