Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Jealousy: It's Not Cute


"I'm insecure...but I can't  help it." (c) Erykah Badu

Jealously man. I think we all feel this way sometimes. I know I do.
When I was younger, I couldn't explain or understand why I felt a
certain way towards people. Then as I got older, it got worse. At
first it was the whole "why are you talking to that other girl? why
are y'all friends with her?"...then it became me issuing mandates. "I
better NOT see you talking to her again....NO, y'all can't be friends
with her AND me. Pick one...Y'all are MY friend, not *whoever*!!! The
hell?".

How ridiculous am I?
Sometimes I look back on my reactions to people and situations, and I
get embarassed. Seriously embarassed. To the point where I wish I
could go back in time and change my behavior. But if I were to do
that, I'd never know what I know now; and for that, I'm thankful. Let
me explain.

Jealously is often defined as the is an emotion and typically refers
to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety
over an anticipated loss of something that the person values. It can
also refer to feelings of inadequacy over not being good enough and
can lead to disliking someone because they possess something you don't
have whether it's physical, mental, or spiritual. I often look back on
my life and try to determine why I was jealous.

A majority of the time it relates back to a man. Me wanting that man
to myself and not wanting to share him with anyone else. And if he is
dealing with  someone else, or if he has female friends, I am suddenly
overwhelmed by jealousy. The thoughts range from is she better than
me, is she cuter than me, nicer than me...what is it about her that
makes it so he can't (or won't) just be mine? Or why is he paying her
so much attention and then I feel like I'm begging him to be with me?

WHAT IS IT?

When I was younger my father told me that when he had me I was so
perfect that he didn't want to share the love he had for me with
anyone else, and that's why I'm his only child. How perfect is that? I
was so in love with him at that point. I wonder if that is a factor. I
also did this with my friends. If you were my friend and I disliked
someone, we all had to dislike that person because that's what friends
DO.

When I did the meditation challenge, one of the things that I
pinpointed that was ruining my life was my jealousy. There was this
epic internal struggle. On the one hand, I believe jealousy is a
natural emotion. But on the other hand, I could see how it was ruining
my friendships. One good friend stopped talking to me for a few months
out of my jealousy and I couldn't understand why. I knew it was
because of my actions but to me it wasn't a "big deal" and he should
have gotten over it. But during that time I reflected on several
things in my life. My actions being one of them.

I began to study the people around me and I didn't like what I saw.
The jealously I saw from people I knew (friends, enemies, or
acquaintances) upset and shocked me. Is that how I look when I'm
acting out? Jealousy isn't cute. Ever in life. Then I was on the
recieving end of someone's jealousy and I hated it. It made me not
want to talk to that person. I didn't want to be bothered at all.
Friends don't make their friends feel like that. I shouldn't feel like
I have to walk on egg shells or cater to someone because I am unsure
of their reaction. It pushed me away. One day they called and I pushed
ignore. In that moment I had an epiphany. If this is how I feel about
this situation, then I can only imagine how my friends feel about me
when I act out. I was suddenly ashamed and embarassed. I wanted to
apologize to everyone. I still do. I didn't realize that I was pushing
my friends away with my bad attitude and outlandish reactions. Who
wants to be around the girl who is always complaining and bitching?
Who wants to be around ME when instead of being appreciative for what
I have, I complain about what I don't have? I'm trying to overcome my
negative ways.

I wish I could apologize to everyone.
I wish I could have said how I really felt about situations instead of
getting mad and angry.
I wish I could give you this feeling...
*jokes* lol.

I won't lie and say I will never be jealous again. That's not true but
now I can recognize and check myself before I say or do anything
against those I love and care about. I know to take a moment and check
myself. Even if I have to walk away, it's better than showing my ass
any day and making others uncomfortable. I don't want anyone
questioning my friendship, my loyalty, or my love for them. Friends
dont' do that.

I promise all my friends I will DO BETTER.

It's the movement.

2 comments:

  1. Peace on your journey

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  2. Ah, that old green eyed monster...making finding that fine line between positive relationships and overprotective possessiveness difficult since Cain and Abel.

    www.DoBetterMovement.org

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