Wednesday, July 25, 2012

I Choose Love...

I.Choose.Love.

This is the mantra for Day 7 of the 21 Day Meditation Challenge. The theme of this whole challenge is letting go, and learning to love. Loving not only others, but yourself (which is most important).

I think my love life the past few months has been difficult. I have written various pieces, and shared some with people on various message boards. The feedback has been good. A lot of people feel what I have written, can relate to it, and some want more. I think the best compliment I have received was from a coworker who told me my writings reminded him of Alfred Hitchcock. That it has an air of mystery and suspense and builds with intensity. That's my whole love life.

I don't want to get into details, moreso out of respect for him, but in February and March I had to take a step back from one and look at my actions in relationships. I have stated before I haven't been able to have a successful one. I don't even know if that's possible in the real world...to date someone, break up, and it still be considered a success. However, I do know what failure is, and it's that which I constantly experience. I want to blame this on my parents, who have yet to show me what a real relationship between adults is like. It's too late for that anyway. I don't know how to handle the issues that come along with relationships: the jealously, the insecurity, the arguments...how do you make love work?

Why can't I be chill? Why can't I fully express my emotions to a man without fear of rejection? (No I didn't tell you how I felt because you already said you didn't want a relationship. And no I didn't tell you how I felt because I didn't want to lose our friendship. And NO I don't understand why you don't understand that this is difficult for me.)

Chill.

I realize the issue lies within me. I'm insecure. I'm jealous (by nature?). I'm a bit obsessive. I'm a bit compulsive. I recognize these issues. And then I lay them down in front of you and in everything else you say you accept me for who I am but THIS will not be tolerated. And so I apologize, and we are friends again. And I promise to work on me. To become a better person. To be able to control my actions, my words, and my thoughts. And I don't do this for YOU...but for me. Because this is not the person I want to be. And even if I never get another chance with you...the next person doesn't deserve to be treated disrespectfully. And I don't deserve to drive myself crazy. And I can't possibly love anyone else if I don't love and respect myself first.

It's now Day 10 of the 21 Day Challenge. I think I'm growing. Baby steps.

2 comments:

  1. You are on the right track, just stay with it, stay true & real to yourself in the challenge & never ending discovery of the inner self. Relationships are a lotta work, maintenance are key & each face fact that the "imperfection" doubles when two come together, but it's never an excuse to be deliberate in anything.Each new day, fall & stay in love with yourself & maintain that too.

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  2. Blessings...
    There is so much i can say here though I feel that only a simple line will surfice.

    The first love starts with you, as you are, faults, flaws, imperfection, embrace it all, love it, accept you as you are and everything else will fall in place.

    simple yet complex.

    Just be you.
    Peace
    Rhapsody
    thanks for sharing.
    http://www.facebook.com/RhapsodyPhoenix
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