Wednesday, July 25, 2012
I Choose Love...
This is the mantra for Day 7 of the 21 Day Meditation Challenge. The theme of this whole challenge is letting go, and learning to love. Loving not only others, but yourself (which is most important).
I think my love life the past few months has been difficult. I have written various pieces, and shared some with people on various message boards. The feedback has been good. A lot of people feel what I have written, can relate to it, and some want more. I think the best compliment I have received was from a coworker who told me my writings reminded him of Alfred Hitchcock. That it has an air of mystery and suspense and builds with intensity. That's my whole love life.
I don't want to get into details, moreso out of respect for him, but in February and March I had to take a step back from one and look at my actions in relationships. I have stated before I haven't been able to have a successful one. I don't even know if that's possible in the real world...to date someone, break up, and it still be considered a success. However, I do know what failure is, and it's that which I constantly experience. I want to blame this on my parents, who have yet to show me what a real relationship between adults is like. It's too late for that anyway. I don't know how to handle the issues that come along with relationships: the jealously, the insecurity, the arguments...how do you make love work?
Why can't I be chill? Why can't I fully express my emotions to a man without fear of rejection? (No I didn't tell you how I felt because you already said you didn't want a relationship. And no I didn't tell you how I felt because I didn't want to lose our friendship. And NO I don't understand why you don't understand that this is difficult for me.)
I realize the issue lies within me. I'm insecure. I'm jealous (by nature?). I'm a bit obsessive. I'm a bit compulsive. I recognize these issues. And then I lay them down in front of you and in everything else you say you accept me for who I am but THIS will not be tolerated. And so I apologize, and we are friends again. And I promise to work on me. To become a better person. To be able to control my actions, my words, and my thoughts. And I don't do this for YOU...but for me. Because this is not the person I want to be. And even if I never get another chance with you...the next person doesn't deserve to be treated disrespectfully. And I don't deserve to drive myself crazy. And I can't possibly love anyone else if I don't love and respect myself first.
It's now Day 10 of the 21 Day Challenge. I think I'm growing. Baby steps.