Wednesday, July 25, 2012

I Choose Love...

I.Choose.Love.

This is the mantra for Day 7 of the 21 Day Meditation Challenge. The theme of this whole challenge is letting go, and learning to love. Loving not only others, but yourself (which is most important).

I think my love life the past few months has been difficult. I have written various pieces, and shared some with people on various message boards. The feedback has been good. A lot of people feel what I have written, can relate to it, and some want more. I think the best compliment I have received was from a coworker who told me my writings reminded him of Alfred Hitchcock. That it has an air of mystery and suspense and builds with intensity. That's my whole love life.

I don't want to get into details, moreso out of respect for him, but in February and March I had to take a step back from one and look at my actions in relationships. I have stated before I haven't been able to have a successful one. I don't even know if that's possible in the real world...to date someone, break up, and it still be considered a success. However, I do know what failure is, and it's that which I constantly experience. I want to blame this on my parents, who have yet to show me what a real relationship between adults is like. It's too late for that anyway. I don't know how to handle the issues that come along with relationships: the jealously, the insecurity, the arguments...how do you make love work?

Why can't I be chill? Why can't I fully express my emotions to a man without fear of rejection? (No I didn't tell you how I felt because you already said you didn't want a relationship. And no I didn't tell you how I felt because I didn't want to lose our friendship. And NO I don't understand why you don't understand that this is difficult for me.)

Chill.

I realize the issue lies within me. I'm insecure. I'm jealous (by nature?). I'm a bit obsessive. I'm a bit compulsive. I recognize these issues. And then I lay them down in front of you and in everything else you say you accept me for who I am but THIS will not be tolerated. And so I apologize, and we are friends again. And I promise to work on me. To become a better person. To be able to control my actions, my words, and my thoughts. And I don't do this for YOU...but for me. Because this is not the person I want to be. And even if I never get another chance with you...the next person doesn't deserve to be treated disrespectfully. And I don't deserve to drive myself crazy. And I can't possibly love anyone else if I don't love and respect myself first.

It's now Day 10 of the 21 Day Challenge. I think I'm growing. Baby steps.

Monday, July 2, 2012

5 Minute Blogs: Willow Smith, Awkward Black Girl

I don’t normally blog about artists on some individual level but I feel inspired today. By Willow Smith.

First off, Young Willow is an…interesting child to say the least.

Secondly, I’ll admit it: I didn’t like this kid. I thought she was “grown” acting. Sure she’s cute and she does have talent (if you go to her official youtube page, you will see various videos of her writing, singing, dancing, acting…). But something always seemed off. Then I had to step back and realize: This is a child.

Willow is 11 years old. I think back to when I was 11 and how awkward I was. The mushroom hairstyle, the big ass glasses, how “grown” I was. Grown as in very intelligent, above it all, snark level on high grown. Oh you couldn’t tell me anything. I was the smartest person I knew. I got all As, and was in the SPACE program (a program in VA for the smarter kids in school, to stimulate us more intellectually). I stayed on the scholar roll. As smart as I was, I was just as awkward and geeky. No real money for nice clothes, no knowledge of self, and trying to deal with the fact that my mom loved my sister more than me. Note: I do NOT know if this is true, but back then you couldn’t tell me that my sister wasn’t more favored than me. I was awkward but I had good friends who accepted me. I appreciate that a lot more now than when I was 11. I digress.

Last night Willow dropped a new video for her song “I Am Me.” Twitter, of course, was filled with snide remarks about this child. How she dresses, her hair (or lack there of), and how she speaks. I even saw quite a few #PrayForWillow tweets. I shook my head because honestly Will Smith was awkward as hell to when he first came out, but because he could rap, people looked past that. If he couldn’t, he would have been just another square lightskinned guy. But as soon as the video starts, people got nasty.

Grown ass adults talking about a child’s looks and her singing. And the hate for the song…amazing. I don’t get it tho. She’s talking about being who she is, she is being her awkward self in the video, and she’s having fun. And she can sing (although I’ll admit I didn’t like the Alanis Morrisette thing she did at the beginning). With all of the music being played on the radio, it’s nice and refreshing to see a young girl being herself and singing about being true to yourself. I’d rather my child sing this song than go around singing “Amen” or anything by Nikki Minaj. Why can’t kids be kids anymore?

But like I said on twitter, if this was a Beyonce song, everyone would have been ON it. And yes, it could have easily been a B song. Let’s not act like Beyonce has these complex, super deep songs. Beyonce was actually the first thought in my mind when I heard the song. I could see/hear her singing this. Either way…if you haven’t seen it yet, it’s below.