Sunday, December 30, 2012

2012 Recap: Getting to Happy

Time is flying. As I get older, I realize that all that time I was wishing I was older when I was younger was a waste. Sometimes I sit back and think about those summers off from school, laying in my room watching Jerry Springer (when it was still good) and Ricki Lake, eating Ramen, and drinking sweet ass orange kool aid....I miss that sometimes. Pure happiness.

Life was easier. More carefree. I didn't have bills.

But alas...we get older. And older. And older. But with age comes wisdom. In about 3 weeks I will be 33 (Master Teacher #s). When I was 15, I could never imagine being 33. But that's neither here nor there. 2012 is the reason for this blog.

First off, the world didn't end.
Secondly, I didn't die.

That's enough to make anyone shout hallelujah to the most high. And I am, and I do. All the time. Not that I expected either to happen.

Last year this time I didn't think I'd be in NY another year. At the time, I was part time employed, living in a small not that great room in Crown Heights, and struggling to figure out my purpose. I was stuck in a rut, I'll admit. One of my close friends tried to talk to me about things, and tried to be very supportive but at the same time he had his own issues and two people going through somewhat hard times at the same time can hardly fully support each other as necessary. But we tried and that came to a crash a few months into 2012.

However, sometimes everything must fall apart in order for things to get better.

Weeks after the lost of that friendship, I found myself really trying to focus on what needed to be done in order to make my life better. I couldn't keep sitting around, waiting on God, or man, or anyone...I had to make it happen for myself. So I focused and started doing what I thought would make me happy.

And life got better.

I won't say it was simple to go from hating where you are, and feeling hopeless to being very happy but the first step was deciding that I no longer wanted to be unhappy. I fixed little things. I didn't like my clothes? Fine buy new ones. I didn't like my place? Fine, find a new one. Hated my job? Okay, let's find a better one. (I am being superficial with my issues BUT you get my drift...)

I did all this. And then as I rejoiced in my new found joy, my friend and I reconciled and for the first time in many months I cried because I was happy.

So essentially that's what this post is about...Getting to Happy.

Nothing or no one can make you happy but yourself. The joy you are constantly seeking is inside you...it's up to you to decide that "Yes I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to smile." Happiness is a CHOICE. Choose to be happy. Choose to have joy. Choose to be the best you that you can constantly be.  Choose love...love of yourself first and foremost.

I have no resolutions for 2012. I just want to continue on the path I am and I pray and hope that 2013 continues to bring more joy and more happiness into my life.




P.S. For the first time in YEARS I am celebrating my birthday for real...with my friends in Miami. I'm beyond excited. Sunshine, the beach, drinks, my loves...It just feels so good.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

This Last Month...

I said I'd change my blog...then I stopped blogging.
Ironic.
Let me let these words flow...

I'm somewhat overwhelmed by the day to day events in our lives...in my life.
Torn between what I want to do and what needs to be done,
Torn between the life I want to lead and the one that's before me,
And torn between you...and me...and us.
See you can't help who you fall in love with
And try as I might, I couldn't help falling for you. And dreaming of us.

When I met him I wasn't looking for anyone...
I was upset, angry, and resistant...but the moment I saw him I was in love.
This man was perfectly imperfect. My twin flame.
This man, he was my love before and each life I ever lived, he was in it.
Now he was with me again. I can't let that go.

From the beginning we were in sync.
Nothing was forced
Nothing was fake
Nothing was wrong
So how could he expect me NOT to fall for this...

To be continued...

I've been writing. Poems. Short Stories. Long Stories.
I've been working and taking a class.
I've been trying to figure out how to be a better friend.
This untitled piece (peace) is a collection of random thoughts. But it's a love story, a girl in love with life and a man. It's an epic poem like The Odyssey. I've been praying and meditating on the path I should be taking next...whether I should go back to school and pursue this PhD or really take the time to finish these stories in my head and see whether or not these words can touch people a bit more than my research. Both are important to me.

Anyway...I hope everyone had a good holiday. I hope everyone is pursuing their dreams.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Finding Your Passion...

The other day on Facebook I posed the question "Are You Doing What You Love?" and I patiently waited for responses. I was, and still am, genuinely curious on how many people pursue their passions. Do people even know what their passion is? Or are we just going through like getting by? That's an upsetting thought...

"I don't want to get by...I want to get over." (c) James Evans "Good Times"

There are times when I sit quietly and reflect on my life. This is a modified version of meditation I do...which helps to calm me when everything in my life is hectic. Everything is always hectic though. Can I disengage? Not from life but from the chaos? I try.

 There are times when I am very unsatisfied. I thought I was sad, maybe even depressed but that's not true. I just want more, and I want to be happy, and I don't want to be bothered by the insignificant things in life. But the world is not perfect, and there will always be something but a girl can dream right? So I start making changes here and there...starting with self and trying to let go of things that aren't beneficial. I read a great book by Don Miguel Ruiz called "The Five Agreements" and I began to try to follow these things. And then I participated in the 31 Meditation Challenge. And it helped but I was still so-so.

More changes...new place, new job. I was seemingly getting over a little heart break (not an intimate break up but a lost of a friend) and saving up money to do more things I enjoy. Am I getting to happy yet?

I realized the issue.

I don't have a passion.

I look at my friends and I am envious. Some of them know what they want and they will work their ass off, damn near die for it. Nothing matters outside of that passion, they are so committed. I look at my job and while I love it, I kind of fell into it. And while it means something to me, it's not a passion. Yes I want to be a researcher...but that's just the natural progression of things.

I love writing, but I'm not dedicated to it. I have a complex. I hate to be criticized. That will not work in fields such as writing where the public judges and rates you. I don't know how others do it. I want to be perfect. It kills me now when certain people read my work and point out errors, make suggestions, or any other critiques. I use to put so much into writing but giving my all to be told it's not good enough took away my motivation. I will tell you a little confession...when I write my short stories or poems and people hit me up and give me praise, I cry. That's how much THAT means to me. Sharing my words is hard. Harder than you guys will ever know. I digress...

I don't know what this blog is about now...

All I ever knew was that I wanted to be great.

Let me be great.

...Anyway, do you have a passion? Are you following it? How did you find it? I want to know more...perhaps hearing from others will motivate me to figure out what can give my life MORE meaning. (*I saw more because it's not meaningless...I just want it to be meaningful)

Sunday, October 14, 2012

10 Things To Let Go To Move On...

Saw this earlier on tumblr. 
It's always relevant and necessary. When I'm off, I try to remind myself of these things. Meditate, focus, and regroup.

Do Better is always the movement.


Saturday, October 6, 2012

"No Dance Party? I'm not going then..."


Let's talk about the BK Museum and Target's First Saturdays. Recently I was interviewed for two newspapers about the end of the dance party era. One quote in particular on DNA INFO stated "Without it (the dance party), I don't need to go every month..." has caused some backlash among people. NOW honestly a majority of people are sad to see the party go, and many hold my same sentiment but there are those who think we only want to go BECAUSE of the party. I want to clarify...my statement meant there was no reason for me to go to First Saturdays every month. Now let me explain that more clear...

 For the past few months the dance party has been on "hold". The first month, I assumed it was because the month before the crowd was overwhelming. The part was held outside and people were dancing all over the place, on cars (that they didn't own), and drinking. There wasn't any violence, or fighting...but it was crowded despite being held in the museum's adjacent parking lot. The museum has no real way of tracking how many people come in and out of the facility, and as a result, there are way too many people in the museum. To the point where it's no longer enjoyable.

I'll admit, I love First Saturdays and when I get the emails I first check out the theme for the month and then the interactive exhibits going on. I am not so much pressed to see the "featured exhibit" that will be there all month or even longer, I don't enjoy the exhibits on First Saturdays because as I stated above, it's way too crowded. However, I do like that they offer hands on art, movies, and speaking engagements on Saturdays too. And yes I participate in those...when I can get tickets. Let's be honest, its thousands of people going on Saturdays and the "hear (artist) speak" program has 25 tickets, which they release at 430. Usually at 430, I'm tutoring. I don't get the opportunity to enjoy the other options a lot of the times and I'm okay with that. So a majority of the time when I go, it's to hear the music, see the performers, and enjoy the dance party. Yes this is MY driving force but that's not to discourage others.

I tell many people that First Saturdays is a great "free" to "cheap" date especially for those who have never been to the museum. There you have an opportunity to see the art and exhibits, to see other things the museum offers, and to enjoy a glass of Sangria (that the museum actually sells!!!) while dancing to the featured DJ and music of the month. I always give props to First Saturdays. My opinion on why I won't go on FIRST SATURDAY anymore is mine alone...I'd rather pay the $10 and enjoy the quietness while seeing the same exhibits than have to deal with the overcrowding and small children running amok on Saturday night.

That said...I do understand why the BK Museum decided to put the dance party on "hiatus." It has become the driving force for many (some say as much as 20K people attend) to attend. It's a great hang out for teenagers who can't go to clubs. It's a safe environment. I haven't seen any fights or shootings and this is in BROOKLYN! lol. I kid.

It's sad but I do understand. This won't stop me from attending the museum. I actually have tickets for a documentary screening later this month, but as for First Saturdays? It's up in the air. Previously it was a no brainer. We did it every month since I moved here in Oct 2010. Now I will only go if there is something I can ONLY see on Saturday (book club, Q&A) and that I can get tickets to attend.

And that's MY position.

and i'm only blogging this because I felt like I explained this 20 times...and really I don't care what others think but people tend to form an opinion about you based on one line...so next person who complains I'll reference them here. Because despite the fact I said this to everyone I spoke to about the closing, they won't include all of this...why would they? I just want my ENTIRE position on this to be available to those who think that we don't like art.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

The Jay Z Experience

Let me go head and talk about this Jay Z show at the Barclays.
*sigh*

First off, I have never seen Jay Z perform. Ever. I'll have to admit, I'm a moderate of Jay Z. I have never been inclined to see him in concert before BUT now I live in Brooklyn...it was at the Barclays...he's the biggest hip hop star...and it was in Brooklyn. One of my friends from SC amped me up to go so I was like YEAH LET'S GO and my happy ass spent $300 for two 100 level seats because all of the tickets sold out on Ticketmaster with the quickness. BUT I had other friends who bought tickets (albeit they all purchased singles randomly spread out in the stadium and some bought tickets for Friday instead of Sat)...game plan: let's flip the single tickets (which were also better seats) and use my tickets that are together. Sounds like a great plan? Yeah no it didn't work that way...the person who was suppose to sell theirs and sit with me decided to keep theirs and I ended up selling my extra 100 level price for less than half I paid for it. So basically I got fucked over for these tickets. Because I wouldn't have bought TWO tickets had I known that people preferred to keep the ones they had. I was suppose to get the money back for the better ticket But y'all go head and cook. Thanks for ducking me this weekend too about this dumb shit.

Anyway...let's talk about the show. The Saturday show.

The ticket said 8 pm. In MY mind, that means the show starts at 8 or shortly there after. No that just meant doors open at 8, but I'm not mad. We chilling, mingling, eating delicious ass cupcakes, contemplating buying shirts, all that...Get to my seat and I'm not mad at all. Actually the 100 level joints weren't bad and no one was sitting behind us.

The show didn't start until 930. And he comes out to "Where I'm From" (see link below). Then he goes into "Brooklyn Go Hard" and everyone and their momma was amped. Of course Jay then goes into a selection of his hits including "Hard Knock Life", "Cant' Knock the Hustle", "On to the next one", "Run This Town," "Big Pimping" (to name a few). I actually appreciated that at the end of Big Pimping he did Pimp C's verse (RIP). *now let's pause for the cause* I am thinking this is Jay Z, this is Brooklyn, and this is the opening concert of the Barclays. He gonna bring it.

I was wrong.

Nigga bought out Memphis Bleek and that's it. Okay okay...I know some people are saying "He said he wasn't bring out anyone..." Yeah that was said like this week after I paid all my money for this ticket. Yo. The ONLY other person I paid this much for was Prince. But he brings out Bleek and they didn't even do "Is that your bitch?" What kind of lives are we living.

Two encores.
The second encore was just him performing "Encore" in his white BK Nets Jersey (#4, Carter).

It ended at around 1115.

Basically the show was an hour and 15 minutes. $300 yo. 1 hr, 15 min. No guest but Bleek (no disrespect to Bleek but yo...)

Good show but not hardly worth my money. Not worth $100. $50 at the most. I wasn't impressed. I could have done so much more with that money but you know...no use in crying over spilled milk. However, if you are going to later shows, I advise you to be careful how you spend your money.


Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Jealousy: It's Not Cute


"I'm insecure...but I can't  help it." (c) Erykah Badu

Jealously man. I think we all feel this way sometimes. I know I do.
When I was younger, I couldn't explain or understand why I felt a
certain way towards people. Then as I got older, it got worse. At
first it was the whole "why are you talking to that other girl? why
are y'all friends with her?"...then it became me issuing mandates. "I
better NOT see you talking to her again....NO, y'all can't be friends
with her AND me. Pick one...Y'all are MY friend, not *whoever*!!! The
hell?".

How ridiculous am I?
Sometimes I look back on my reactions to people and situations, and I
get embarassed. Seriously embarassed. To the point where I wish I
could go back in time and change my behavior. But if I were to do
that, I'd never know what I know now; and for that, I'm thankful. Let
me explain.

Jealously is often defined as the is an emotion and typically refers
to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety
over an anticipated loss of something that the person values. It can
also refer to feelings of inadequacy over not being good enough and
can lead to disliking someone because they possess something you don't
have whether it's physical, mental, or spiritual. I often look back on
my life and try to determine why I was jealous.

A majority of the time it relates back to a man. Me wanting that man
to myself and not wanting to share him with anyone else. And if he is
dealing with  someone else, or if he has female friends, I am suddenly
overwhelmed by jealousy. The thoughts range from is she better than
me, is she cuter than me, nicer than me...what is it about her that
makes it so he can't (or won't) just be mine? Or why is he paying her
so much attention and then I feel like I'm begging him to be with me?

WHAT IS IT?

When I was younger my father told me that when he had me I was so
perfect that he didn't want to share the love he had for me with
anyone else, and that's why I'm his only child. How perfect is that? I
was so in love with him at that point. I wonder if that is a factor. I
also did this with my friends. If you were my friend and I disliked
someone, we all had to dislike that person because that's what friends
DO.

When I did the meditation challenge, one of the things that I
pinpointed that was ruining my life was my jealousy. There was this
epic internal struggle. On the one hand, I believe jealousy is a
natural emotion. But on the other hand, I could see how it was ruining
my friendships. One good friend stopped talking to me for a few months
out of my jealousy and I couldn't understand why. I knew it was
because of my actions but to me it wasn't a "big deal" and he should
have gotten over it. But during that time I reflected on several
things in my life. My actions being one of them.

I began to study the people around me and I didn't like what I saw.
The jealously I saw from people I knew (friends, enemies, or
acquaintances) upset and shocked me. Is that how I look when I'm
acting out? Jealousy isn't cute. Ever in life. Then I was on the
recieving end of someone's jealousy and I hated it. It made me not
want to talk to that person. I didn't want to be bothered at all.
Friends don't make their friends feel like that. I shouldn't feel like
I have to walk on egg shells or cater to someone because I am unsure
of their reaction. It pushed me away. One day they called and I pushed
ignore. In that moment I had an epiphany. If this is how I feel about
this situation, then I can only imagine how my friends feel about me
when I act out. I was suddenly ashamed and embarassed. I wanted to
apologize to everyone. I still do. I didn't realize that I was pushing
my friends away with my bad attitude and outlandish reactions. Who
wants to be around the girl who is always complaining and bitching?
Who wants to be around ME when instead of being appreciative for what
I have, I complain about what I don't have? I'm trying to overcome my
negative ways.

I wish I could apologize to everyone.
I wish I could have said how I really felt about situations instead of
getting mad and angry.
I wish I could give you this feeling...
*jokes* lol.

I won't lie and say I will never be jealous again. That's not true but
now I can recognize and check myself before I say or do anything
against those I love and care about. I know to take a moment and check
myself. Even if I have to walk away, it's better than showing my ass
any day and making others uncomfortable. I don't want anyone
questioning my friendship, my loyalty, or my love for them. Friends
dont' do that.

I promise all my friends I will DO BETTER.

It's the movement.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Update: Voting and Other Random Things

I feel bad y'all. Real bad. I haven't blogged since the meditation challenge. But life moves so fast, and I have been so busy! Things change from day to day quickly. But life is always amazing. So I give thanks for everything.

 The two biggest things that have happened are me moving into a new (much doper) place! And me getting a new job (it took over a month to get this job!). The funny thing is I got fired (laid off) from my old job this past Friday and I started my new job today. I was actually hoping that would happen because I couldn't' give the proper two weeks and this way they are actually paying me three checks (instead of two) which means I'm about to get that new MAC Pro with retinal display in October (waiting on that 13 inch joint to drop...).

Anyway...real quick...I want to talk about voting. If you have followed me for a while you might remember my infamous "F!ck the Vote" post. That was two years ago and I was headstrong, a rebel, a conspiracy theorist, and just all around on that "Fuck the government." I have to be honest: I feel the same way. But recently I realized this ain't just about me and how I feel. It's bigger than me. While on Facebook I saw some posts from the youth I mentored this past spring and several of them echoed my sentiments about voting and how worthless it was. The conspiracy side of me felt proud that my kids weren't buying into this illusion of democracy. But then my rational (lol...yes I said rational) side said "This is sad. I don't want my kids to feel hopeless about the world and their situation. I don't want them thinking voting is completely worthless. I don't want them to TRY to make a difference at least." And I realized...I can't say anything to them about voting when I don't vote myself and I said the exact same things they said.

I meditated.
I contemplated.
I had an epiphany.

 And that was: this is bigger than me. I recently was in a meeting where we discussed healthcare. This is my passion. This is what I went to school for and what I want my PhD in, so it was a great talk. During this discussion, Obama and Romney's plans were discussed and I realized how important the healthcare issue is in this upcoming election. This isn't about me. I can't be an advocate for public health and not vote. How ridiculous is that? How crazy was I being?

 Also, I have to set a good example for the kids I mentor. I pride myself on being positive and uplifting to them at all times. I haven't been. I want them to know that they can make a difference. I want them to at least TRY to make a difference. Despite my opinions on voting, it's just that: an OPINION. Not fact. To not even TRY to make a difference goes against everything I stand for and that's not right. We have to try.

I still believe in revolution. I still think it's necessary. I also believe in setting an example. So I'll vote and still keep working in my community to improve our situation and lives.

*excuse my grammar. I know I used a lot of ebonics but it is what it is. For now.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

I Choose Love...

I.Choose.Love.

This is the mantra for Day 7 of the 21 Day Meditation Challenge. The theme of this whole challenge is letting go, and learning to love. Loving not only others, but yourself (which is most important).

I think my love life the past few months has been difficult. I have written various pieces, and shared some with people on various message boards. The feedback has been good. A lot of people feel what I have written, can relate to it, and some want more. I think the best compliment I have received was from a coworker who told me my writings reminded him of Alfred Hitchcock. That it has an air of mystery and suspense and builds with intensity. That's my whole love life.

I don't want to get into details, moreso out of respect for him, but in February and March I had to take a step back from one and look at my actions in relationships. I have stated before I haven't been able to have a successful one. I don't even know if that's possible in the real world...to date someone, break up, and it still be considered a success. However, I do know what failure is, and it's that which I constantly experience. I want to blame this on my parents, who have yet to show me what a real relationship between adults is like. It's too late for that anyway. I don't know how to handle the issues that come along with relationships: the jealously, the insecurity, the arguments...how do you make love work?

Why can't I be chill? Why can't I fully express my emotions to a man without fear of rejection? (No I didn't tell you how I felt because you already said you didn't want a relationship. And no I didn't tell you how I felt because I didn't want to lose our friendship. And NO I don't understand why you don't understand that this is difficult for me.)

Chill.

I realize the issue lies within me. I'm insecure. I'm jealous (by nature?). I'm a bit obsessive. I'm a bit compulsive. I recognize these issues. And then I lay them down in front of you and in everything else you say you accept me for who I am but THIS will not be tolerated. And so I apologize, and we are friends again. And I promise to work on me. To become a better person. To be able to control my actions, my words, and my thoughts. And I don't do this for YOU...but for me. Because this is not the person I want to be. And even if I never get another chance with you...the next person doesn't deserve to be treated disrespectfully. And I don't deserve to drive myself crazy. And I can't possibly love anyone else if I don't love and respect myself first.

It's now Day 10 of the 21 Day Challenge. I think I'm growing. Baby steps.

Monday, July 2, 2012

5 Minute Blogs: Willow Smith, Awkward Black Girl

I don’t normally blog about artists on some individual level but I feel inspired today. By Willow Smith.

First off, Young Willow is an…interesting child to say the least.

Secondly, I’ll admit it: I didn’t like this kid. I thought she was “grown” acting. Sure she’s cute and she does have talent (if you go to her official youtube page, you will see various videos of her writing, singing, dancing, acting…). But something always seemed off. Then I had to step back and realize: This is a child.

Willow is 11 years old. I think back to when I was 11 and how awkward I was. The mushroom hairstyle, the big ass glasses, how “grown” I was. Grown as in very intelligent, above it all, snark level on high grown. Oh you couldn’t tell me anything. I was the smartest person I knew. I got all As, and was in the SPACE program (a program in VA for the smarter kids in school, to stimulate us more intellectually). I stayed on the scholar roll. As smart as I was, I was just as awkward and geeky. No real money for nice clothes, no knowledge of self, and trying to deal with the fact that my mom loved my sister more than me. Note: I do NOT know if this is true, but back then you couldn’t tell me that my sister wasn’t more favored than me. I was awkward but I had good friends who accepted me. I appreciate that a lot more now than when I was 11. I digress.

Last night Willow dropped a new video for her song “I Am Me.” Twitter, of course, was filled with snide remarks about this child. How she dresses, her hair (or lack there of), and how she speaks. I even saw quite a few #PrayForWillow tweets. I shook my head because honestly Will Smith was awkward as hell to when he first came out, but because he could rap, people looked past that. If he couldn’t, he would have been just another square lightskinned guy. But as soon as the video starts, people got nasty.

Grown ass adults talking about a child’s looks and her singing. And the hate for the song…amazing. I don’t get it tho. She’s talking about being who she is, she is being her awkward self in the video, and she’s having fun. And she can sing (although I’ll admit I didn’t like the Alanis Morrisette thing she did at the beginning). With all of the music being played on the radio, it’s nice and refreshing to see a young girl being herself and singing about being true to yourself. I’d rather my child sing this song than go around singing “Amen” or anything by Nikki Minaj. Why can’t kids be kids anymore?

But like I said on twitter, if this was a Beyonce song, everyone would have been ON it. And yes, it could have easily been a B song. Let’s not act like Beyonce has these complex, super deep songs. Beyonce was actually the first thought in my mind when I heard the song. I could see/hear her singing this. Either way…if you haven’t seen it yet, it’s below.

Monday, June 11, 2012

5 Minute Blog: This Internet Life Ain't Real...

I think we can all agree that the invention of the internet was a turning point in society. The internet has made many things irrelevant: libraries, television, movies, going outside, talking with friends, actual in person physical contact…none of that shit matters anymore. If you have the internet you can do everything from the comfort of your own home. It’s amazing…or is it? When I initially started using the internet it was for two things: researching articles for school and Yahoo! Games (those suicide double nil games were everything).

Outside of that, I didn’t see a real need to indulge. I did have a Blackplanet page, a MiGente page, and a Hotmail account like everyone else but honestly being on the internet for hours outside of playing games was weird. Maybe because I had school, work, and a crucial ass social life when I was in college.

Fast forward to 2005 when the internet because everything to me. I started dating a guy who wasn’t as social as I was, and that’s okay. However, things that I would normally do with friends all of a sudden became unacceptable. Lying up in Crystal’s house all day, chilling with her kids, then going to a party was frowned upon. Why did I need to go to the club when I had a man? Fine. I’ll chill on the club, so what do I do when I’m bored? The internet. And that’s how that all happened. I became a member of one of the best and worst sites ever. Best because I have met some dope people from it and worst because people there will make assumptions on your life because they see you posting. That’s what this blog is about…the Internet not being real.

Three times in the past week I have had to tell people to not judge me or my life based on what they see on a message board, Facebook, or twitter. Internet life is manufactured and what you are seeing is only a fraction of what goes on in my real life. A guy tells me he had a crush on me but I apparently knew too many people so he chilled. In my mind, his hesitance was in the fact that he is a private person and didn’t want the “others” to be all in his business. I accepted this and told him “That’s not real and that’s not me. You see me talk to several people who don’t even LIVE in the state. In real life, these are the people I am with…” so he had formed this reality about my life that’s not remotely true. But if all you do is see me tweet, then that’s all you can base any opinion on. But it’s really better if you get to know the real me.

Another friend tells me he’s envious of my life, I’m always on the go and partying. It seems that way sometimes…but honestly I work 60 hours a week, and my hours are funny. I do make time to do things enjoyable and it’s in those times I tweet, FB pics, or whatever about my life. No one wants to hear about my long work days or the drama with whomever. They want the fun life. That’s what people expect so that’s what I give them. Do you see it now? Most of the people on the internet either alter or make up their lives. Not to say they are liars but they share with you only a fraction of what their real life is, and then others fill in the blanks. Instead of talking to people and doing a natural build, we assume we know who they are based on a few sentences here and there, some instagram pictures, and “mutual friends”.

You don’t know me. You don’t know anyone who you only communicate with via the internet. If you want to know the real me, just say so. I could end up being your best friend. You might end up being the love of my life. But don’t just judge my life based on 140 characters.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

5 minute blogs: Justin Combs and his FOOTBALL Scholarship


It’s been a while now I’m back with a 5 minute blog on Justin Combs and this $56K Scholarship he got from UCLA to play football.

First off…let me state that I received a FULL ACADEMIC scholarship to Morgan State University, room and board and meals included. Plus $500 a semester for books (merit based). On top of that I was offered Pell Grants in the amount of $2000 a semester (financial based). Question: Should I have turned down that Pell Grant money since my schooling was paid for by a scholarship?

Secondly…I don’t think Justin Combs should HAVE to turn down the money because his dad is rich. He was recruited to play football for UCLA. That’s what happens when schools recruit you. If they want you bad enough they will offer you money to come. His 3.75 GPA really has nothing to do with this. He didn’t get an academic scholarship, he was offered an athletic one. Do I think he should keep it?

Honestly I don’t care if he keeps it or not. I think that he earned it, so it’s his and he should do what he wishes. If he turns it down, I don’t believe UCLA will give the money to a poor student. It’s from the athletic department; which means they choose what to do with that money. I think they will put it back in the pot and use it to recruit another student later on down the road. Nevermind the fact that a lot of people who go to UCLA are upper class and they do get scholarships to pay for schooling that their parents can afford. Do I think it’s unfair? Hmm…let me break it down for you.

I think the educational system in America is unfair period. What I think is unfair is that our money, as taxpayers, goes to things like education and state universities/colleges but those schools aren’t free to residents. Why am I paying for an education I can’t receive? *Note: This is not true in every state but a majority of them. If I live in MD and graduate from a high school in MD AND my parents work and pay taxes in MD, I think I should be able to go to any MD state university for free if I meet the minimum requirements. That’s my position.

Let’s be real: College education is base now. It’s on the level of high school. You need a college education just to get a decent job today, especially in this economy. I see job listings for people with a “B.A” and the job pays $12 an hour. Really? Who can live off that?

I also think it’s unfair to single out Justin Combs. I will assume it’s because he’s a celebrity. I don’t think people realize how many rich non celebrity people there are who also get scholarships and use them to better their kids. The money they don’t spend on education, they put into trust funds and stack dough. Do I think that’s unfair? NO. If these are academic and athletic scholarships that are rightfully earned, then let those kids cook. These aren’t financially based and I don’t think that should play a role in this conversation.

I digress, I understand why people are upset. However, the anger should not be directed at Puffy (who is an active philanthropist and has dedicated money to several scholarship funds) or his son (who did what every parent tells their children to do: study hard and do your best and you’ll get rewarded). It should be at the government and the college system who makes it unfair for lower to middle class people to get the basic education they need. Justin Combs giving back that $56K will not fix the real issue and that is: Poor and Middle Class People aren’t able to afford the basic education necessary in today’s world. This isn’t just about ONE kid, this is about all of them. Who is going to provide for the other needy kids if Justin gives back this $56K? What will you complain about next?

Thursday, May 10, 2012

People are strange...

I'll share a secret with you about myself. Something I have never told anyone...so please bare (bear?) with me.

 I like to recreate people's lives. I somewhat enjoy looking at their pictures and reading their tweets, or blogs, or facebook posts, and recreating the events that lead up to them. Sometimes I look at pictures and from one picture to the next I create a story. Sometimes it's a long story that goes from picture to picture and sometimes it's just a six word story of a snapshot image of their life. This is odd to me. But I write stories about many things.

If I am bored at work, I'll write my work day out. Often times I speak in third person and add in events that aren't happening but if they were to happen, it would make my day awesome. My favorite, of course, is to write short subway stories about the many people on the MTA. I once saw a girl crying on the 4 train. She was a butch, Hispanic, short black hair, and dark shades. She was looking down but the tears were running down her face and she kept wiping them away with the sleeve of her black hoodie (RIP Trayvon). The whole ride I wondered what was wrong and finally I decided that her one true love broke up with her. I mean, it MUST have been that...she went to see her lover, riding all the way from Brooklyn to Harlem. And when she arrived at her house, the girl told her that she was no longer gay and wanted to go back to her ex boyfriend. Heartbroken and pissed, the crying girl rain from the apartment and tried to mask her pain behind some Raybans. Oh the story played out quite sadly...and it ended with me walking over to her, handing her a tissue, and talking about it with her. In reality, it ended with her getting off some stop that led to a hospital. The story quickly changed to one of her rushing to her grandmother's side while she was dying. The pain. 


Sometimes it's a sad song...

Friday, April 13, 2012

5 Minute Blog: I need to relax...

I’m so close to the edge right now…I don’t know what to do.


I am tired of my hair.

Yes, you read that right…I AM TIRED OF MY HAIR.

I’m so over being natural, I just don’t know what to do. Should I cut it? Should I leave it alone and let it continue to do what God intended? Should I get a Dominican blow out? SHOULD I RELAX IT?..I blame longhaircareforum for having me to believe going natural would be easy.

Should.I.Relax.It? or as many of us black women say “perm” it.

I think I might. Within the next week I might. Right now at home I have one of those Crème of Nature Argon Oil Relaxers I received from Crème of Nature a few months ago. But let’s back track…

I went natural in September 2009 by default. I love braids, a lot. So I usually rock them 8 weeks on, 2 weeks off. However, I went through this phase of back to back braids and realized that it was crazy to keep relaxing my hair in between braid styles, so I stopped. After a few months, I had this crazy half relaxed, half 4ab hair thing going on and late one night, I chopped off all the relaxed hair. It was actually quite interesting and to be honest, I looked like a little lightskinned African girl. I didn’t have any clue what to do with my hair…so back to braids it was.

Months later, my hair is very healthy and growing out. I was ecstatic about the health of my hair but the texture? I had issues with that. Don’t get it twisted, I love my hair but I am too lazy to put in the proper work necessary to maintain my hair type. If anyone ever tells you that natural hair is easier, they are lying OR they have type 2 or 3a/b hair. That’s just how I feel. My sister has wavy hair and wash and goes are beyond easy for her. I can’t wash and go anywhere unless I want to look like hot mess. I won’t lie…my afro ponytail can be awesome if I’m able to get it just right. But detangling takes hours and I just didn’t come here for that…lol.

Despite everyone’s love for my hair, the fact is: ITS MY HAIR. They don’t have to handle it, I do. So weekly I have been looking at this relaxer kit trying to decide if it’s the best move. Many women consider their hair their “crown and glory”. To me, it’s just hair. I can buy some new hair, or grow some new hair…its not that serious to me.

Right now my hair is in this pinned up style. It’s okay. I only think it’s cute when I have my glasses on. When my glasses are off, I’m lost in this world. I didn’t pay $500 for new contacts to keep wearing my glasses. I’m just frustrated and no amount of youtube videos can help me learn how to style my hair. It always comes out wrong. It’s slightly fucked up because I can style anyone else’s hair. I can do braids, curls, waves, natural styles, etc. I will HOOK YOU UP. But when it comes to my own hair? No go.

So I’m thinking I’m about to throw this relaxer in and just let it do what it do. If my hair falls out, I’ll just go ahead and cut it off and throw some micros in my hair. Who cares? (besides Tupac…)


Anyway…Happy Friday the 13th.

follow me on twitter: www.twitter.com/flyspacequeen

Sunday, March 25, 2012

She tatted up...

My newest edition: this quasi butterfly symbolic peace (sic).
Basically I wanted a butterfly and my tattoo artist, Slim, had drawn one I really like a few months ago  but somehow neither of us saved the picture or could pinpoint the one I really liked. Not that we tried hard. Then I wanted a Sankofa. Last week I was going to go get one but THEN I had to cancel twice...so the other day as I am browsing the internet I came across this picture. And I fell in love instantly.

Those who know me know I am interested in symbolism, religion, reincarnation, and things of that nature. I immediately pinpointed 4 symbols in this butterfly and knew it was for me. Then I translated the page (it was some Italian joint) and read about the rest. THIS was the tattoo I have been waiting for.

So basically I'm going to give a quick run down on the symbols and what they mean (click on links to see a picture of the symbol by itself):

  • Butterfly: As we all know the symbol of transformation and rebirth. 
  • Sankofa: Adinkra symbol meaning to learn from the past 
  • Bese Saka: Adinkra symbol meaning abundance and unity
  • Om: Used in several Indian religions to represent God, the primeval mantra, and consciousness
  • Ankh: Egyptian symbol representing eternal life and protection 
  • Koru: Maori symbol representing new life, growth, peace, and continuity 

What a beautiful representation of the journey I am currently on...I couldn't think of anything more perfect than this tattoo. I think Slim did a great job and I'm excited to get more ink (despite the fact that tattoos HURT!!!). P.S. you can see my Malcolm X tattoo in the corner. LOL.

Follow Slim on twitter: www.twitter.com/tat2slim
Check his work here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/TaT2slim/236497157866
He's located at Greene Ave Tattoo in Brooklyn NY

Follow me too if you aren't: www.twitter.com/flyspacequeen

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Justice for Trayvon Martin: Who to Contact

Trayvon Martin's killer has NOT been arrested or charged with any crime. If you have heard the 911 tapes you KNOW this boy was the target of a modern day lynching. Please contact the people below. *Tentatively there will be a rally for Trayvon April 9 at Union Square in NYC at 11 am. 

1.  State Attorney’s Office - Sanford
Attn: Florida District Attorney Norman Wolfinger
State Attorney’s Office
Criminal Justice Center
101 Bush Boulevard
PO Box 8006
Sanford, Florida  32772-8006
Telephone:  (407) 665-6000
2.  Sanford Police Department
Sanford Police Department, Attn: Police Chief Bill Lee, 815 West 13th Street, Sanford, FL 32771
Telephone: (407) 688-5070
3. Florida Governor
Office of Governor Rick Scott, State of Florida, The Capitol, 400 S. Monroe St., Tallahassee, FL 32399-0001
Governor’s office Telephone: (850) 488-7146
4. Florida legislators
(a)  The Florida state senator for Sanford, Florida is David Simmons.
David Simmons, 251 Maitland Avenue, Suite 304,Altamonte Springs, FL 32701
Telephone:  (407) 262-7578
(b) The Florida state representative for Sanford, Florida is Jason Brodheur.
Jason Brodheur, District Office, 114 West First Street, Suite 208, Sanford, FL 32771-1273
Telephone: (407) 302-4800
(c)  The US representative for Sanford, Florida is Corrine Brown.
Representative Corrine Brown, 2336 Rayburn HOB, Washington, D.C. 20515 
Telephone: (202) 225-0123, Fax: (202) 225-2256
(d)  The US senators for Florida are Marc Rubio and Bill Nelson.
Senator Marc Rubio, 317 Hart Senate Office Building, Washington DC, 20510
Telephone: (202) 224-3041
Senator Bill Nelson, 716 Senate Hart Office Building, Washington, DC 20510
Telephone: (202) 224-5274

Thursday, February 9, 2012

5 Minute Blogs: Ain't You Married Tho?

I don't know if I am getting older or if I just notice racthetness more often now, but there seems to be an upsurge of married men (and perhaps women) cheating on their spouses. I know both sexes cheat, but I can only really remark on my own experiences of married men doin the most.

First off, I think marriage is sacred. That's a committment two people make before God saying "We want to be together forever." I respect that to the fullest. At the same time, I understand that every relationship is different and what I think is right or true for me and mine might not be the same for you and yours. That's fine. With that being said...why are married men so noncholant about being married now? It's almost to the point where I don't even want to get married. I do trust my judgement as far as "marriage" goes but I'll be the first to admit I have never been in a faithful boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I'm always being cheated on, and that's probably because I'm a jerk. I tell people all the time "The LAST thing you want is for me to not care anymore." And I mean it. Either way I am not a great boyfriend picker. So enough with boyfriends.

Anyway...back to the topic at hand. My best friend hits me up recently about going on a date with a married man, and there is another married man interested in her. A few of my other girl friends are in the same boat. Some of them are dating married men and some of them are just constantly having to turn a married man down. I don't get how women "date" married men but that's none of my business. It just amazes me that there are so many men out there who are married but still want to do their own thing. Why did you get married?

I understand some people have "open" relationships. That's fine. But what I'm talking about is the sneaky people talking about "don't text me after 8 pm", "send me a picture to my secret email", "nah my wife don't know but she don't care anyway". Stuff like that. And then men try to justify their actions "i got married too young", "she doing her thing too", "she don't want to have sex no more" or something. I don't know. I can't.

Either way. STOP IT FAM.

Stop getting married if you want to sleep with other chicks still. If you decide you want to do your thing after you get married, then get divorced. Why cheat? Why sneak around? Why have your wife facebooking random girls talking about "Why are you LIKING my man's status all the time?"
That shit is the worst.

I hate y'all.

Shout out to the men who don't cheat on their wives. I know like, 4 of y'all.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Friday, January 20, 2012

Roommates? Over It.

As some of you know my birthday was Wednesday (the 18th), and I turned 32 years old. (YES! 32! I'm old as hell). Turning 32 triggered something in me...actually, I have been thinking hard since the beginning of 2012. Esoterically, 2012 is about major change and the end of an era. I am at the end of the roommate era. I am actually at the end of a lot of things' era (wait...what?), but this blog is about roommates.

Author's Note: Let me preface this blog by saying I don't have a problem with my roommates...and I don't think it's a bad idea. I just realized this is no longer for me.


I realized a few weeks ago that I never really lived alone. I was "aware" of this fact but I didn't recognize the significance of my living situations. In college, I lived with 7 other females and it surprisingly worked out well. I can't recall any real arguments or fights my friends and I ever had. And we only had ONE bathroom (with two showers). Sure there were times when we'd be annoyed but in reality, this was probably the best roommate situation I ever had.

After graduating, I was house hopping for a few months. Then I moved in with my late ex-boyfriend. We lived together for approximately 3 years. Once we broke up, I moved into my own place but within three months, my boyfriend from NC started staying on this 2 weeks here, 2 weeks in NC schedule. Then he completely moved in and we were together for about 5 years. In June 2010, he moved out. And in October 2010, I moved to New York.

So essentially, I lived alone a total of 5 months my adult life. And I'm 32. What is my life like? Currently I'm living with my second set of roommates since I've been in NY. They are pretty cool, laid back, and I hardly see them. This fact makes me think about living alone and all of the things I could do if I did live alone. That list includes:

  • Walking around naked
  • Playing Maroon 5's "Songs About Jane" cd loudly (or Nicki Minaj...don't judge me)
  • Shower/Bath combos (basically soak in a bubble bath while reading a book and drinking wine...then finishing that with a shower)
  • Eating breakfast at dinner without looking like I'm poor 
  • Having everyone and their cousin up in my place
I have to admit, I'm a bit of a loner. When I am at home (even when I lived alone), I like to chill in my bedroom, listen to music, and play on the computer. Some people take this as me being standoffish or are offended and think I don't like them. This isn't the truth. I just like to be quiet. I like quietness. I like to be alone with my own thoughts and ideals. At the same time, I keep an open house. I like visitors. I open my house to friends and family whenever they need it. I will NOT let any one I care about be out on the street, or paying for some fancy ass hotel when they can stay with me for free. This is an issue because while I don't care, others do. 

However...I need to live alone out of selfishness, and because of the fact I have never done it before. I need a good year of living alone. I start realizing that I'd rather be broke and live alone then have quite a bit of money and live under restrictions. I can't blame anyone for that...when you live with others you must compromise. But I am so over compromising. I want to do what I want when I want...and with that said, I decided once my lease is up at this new place, I will move out on my own. People will say living alone in NY is not the best idea but I can't listen to others anymore. 

Anyway. Here's a picture of me at age 32. 
Follow me on twitter: www.twitter.com/flyspacequeen