Sunday, July 25, 2010

Friends will let you down....

I must be the most horrible friend of a lifetime...that's the only reason I can think of why my so called "friends" do me the way they do. I try to be the best friend I can but people aren't perfect and despite my faults, I am an incredibly loyal friend and will fight to the death for my friends...well argue to death. Whatever.

Okay so check it, I won't go into specific details but I had a lot of business to take care of this past week. Now my time is very limited, but if I can make time, I assume others will. That's not the case. I need to stop assuming. But that's not even my I am out and about I get my first flat tire ever! OMG. It's hot, I am frustrated, I KNOW how to change a tire but I have never driven a PT Cruiser before and I am so confused as to where the spare actually is and how to get it unlatched. I end up calling roadside and I am pissed. I call two of my besties, Joana and Karen, and they talk to me for a while as I bitch and complain about the tire, the "situation" that caused me to get the flat tire, the other bestie who wasn't answering their phone ("I ain't mad atcha" (c) Tupac), and the fact that I was so fed up all I wanted to do was go to bed.

Out of my anger, I call one bestie and say "You know what, you could at least send me a text message if you can't hang out with me" which I meant but said in the absolute worse way. So now I am thinking I might have to apologize. I call my (male) bestie and he doesn't answer, so I leave a message and I am whining (which I just realize I do a lot so I am pissed at myself). He calls back. He says "What were you saying? what's up with this flat tire?" (now this fool is in MD so I am thinking that he's going to be more understanding/helpful). I say "OMG yes I got a flat and let me tell you..."

"Don't you have another friend you can call about this? Why do you have to call me and tell me about your troubles..."

*pause* I swear to God, tears fell from my eyes at that very moment. I called him because I consider him a best friend. That's the key. I consider him MY best friend...this relationship is apparently not reciprocal. I was absolutely at a lost for words...I mean who does that? I actually start stuttering like "Yeah bad..."

"Yeah it's your bad. I am on the computer with (chick) from Canada so I got to go," and he hangs up. Then it hit me. He was showing out for some chick. Some CANADIAN chick at that via Skype. I was then heated. Yo if you didn't want to hear my bullshit, then why the fuck would you call back? This had me pissed at everyone.

Everyone. But it's understood now. Dude said what he said, and now I realize that just because we've been friends since 2000 doesn't mean shit to anyone but me. And just because I go out of my way for him doesn't mean he can even bother to listen to me for like 10 minutes. And then my other friend wonders why I don't bother with details. They are worthless. When I try to talk about shit and how I feel, this is what happens. So I have come to the  conclusion that I must be a fucked up friend if I can't even get the people who claim to care about me to talk for like 5 minutes.

I got you.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

5 Minute Blog: "Signs of Love Making..."

"I'm a Capricorn, I came here to get managed..."

We all know Capricorn is the best sign because we are the smartest, most organized, and we start and end the year. But you know I read all these magazines and they do this "sexual compatibility" thing with astrological signs and it's never really right for me. Like earth signs go with earth with fire. However, I will admit that certain signs are like the BESTEST to me. If I meet a guy with a certain sign, I know of the bat what type of lover he may or may not be. So I am break it down...sign by sign.

  • Capricorns: I only slept with one. He was pretty straight forward, and cut to the case. I think that's how I am most of the time. Don't get it twisted...Capricorns strive for they will do their best if they are feeling you but if we perfect something, we stick to it. 
  • Aquarius: I only slept with one again. He was...interesting. Slightly selfish. I once told him that I read in Cosmo that if you stick your finger in a guy's ass, it heightens their orgasm. He said "cool, let's try it." So take what you want from that.
  • Pisces: I don't think I know any male Pisces. Lucky you.
  • Aries: My high school Maryland sweetheart was a Aries. Rough and aggressive. That is all.
  • Taurus: My high school VA sweetheart was a Taurus. They are teachers. Very knowledgeable and they take their time. Love them.
  • Gemini: That old man I use to date in college was a Gemini. I was not impressed. Just because you are packing doesn't mean you don't' have to have skills. And I hate how Geminis have split personalities. 
  • Cancer: Cancers are love bugs! They act like they aren't but they like being romantical and taking time and doing things "at the right time" even if they are guys. I respect that. 
  • Leos: LEOS DRIVE ME CRAZY!!!! I honestly don't' have anything particularly great to say about them. Leos are generally selfish lovers...but if they think a certain move will work for you, that's the only one they will do with you. 
  • Virgo: I don't know. LOL.
  • Libra: I don't think I know any Libras period.
  • Scorpio: Every Scorpio I know is a freak. Whether I slept with them or not. Male or female. They are freaks. Just like freaks. And you wouldn't know it until you got in the bedroom with them. And then you're like "What is that swing for?"
  • Sagittarius: I am so in love with Sags. These men are probably the best lovers because they are no holds bar and will do anything...(not everything but almost everything) to please their lovers. And they are oh so passionate. and the best kissers. Period. 

Thursday, July 1, 2010

10 Years Later and It's Still Not Easy

I can remember July 1, 2000 like it was yesterday, or today. It was the summer before my junior year, and we were living in the town house in Ellicott City, MD. I was home alone and my mother was in Virginia. However, I can't recall where my sister or stepfather where at the time. I want to say this was during one of time's my sister was missing. I can remember vividly my mother running back and forth from MD to VA every other weekend, either for my uncle Kelly or my sister. That was a stressful time.

It was a Saturday. I was still on probation. Approximately 9 am in the morning my phone rang and it was my mom. She told me my uncle passed away during the early morning. I was shocked. I will not lie and say this was unexpected...but I was in denial. There was no way my uncle was dying, especially not from cancer.
  • Despite the fact that his over 300 pound frame had shrunk to less than 130, I was hopefully.
  • Despite the pain he felt when we hugged him, I was hopefully.
  • Despite the fact he was in a hospice, I was hopeful. 
But he did. My uncle died from colon cancer. I don't remember when he was diagnosed. I just remember a rapid progression. I figured he would be okay because the doctors were smart, but he wasn't.  I lost all hope that day. The funeral was on the 5th if I remember correctly. That day was a blur. I do remember everyone in the family telling me that I had to walk my grandmother in and be strong for her just in case she broke down. I remember thinking "I am barely 20...and I am hurting. How can I be strong for her?" but I was. So I sucked it up and I didn't cry at the funeral at all. But as I write these words, I can not stop the tears from flowing.  One of my cousins showed out at the funeral and I was pissed...they didn't love him like I did! She was never around him...not even half as much as me. I hated her.

 His son and daughter were there. They were crying. His son mentioned to me that he had no pictures of himself and his dad and that made him mad. Fortunately for them, I had a picture of my uncle, his daughter, his son, my father and me when we were all 5 or 6. I promised to mail him a copy. And I did. That's the ONLY picture he has of himself, his sister and his dad together. A picture more than 15 years old.

Years later, I am at my grandmother's house. My uncle had a room there, but no one slept in but me. I don't think my grandmother allowed it. But that night as we are getting ready for bed, my grandmother says to leave the lights on "so that Kelly can see when he gets home." My mother replies "Mom, you know Kelly is not coming home". My grandmother makes this strange face and then says "Oh yeah. sometimes I forget."

But I don't forget. I could never forget losing the first man I loved besides my own father. And every year on the anniversary of his death I cry. This morning as I was getting dressed, I came across the R.I.P. shirt my cousin had made. I started hyperventilating so bad I knew I'd pass out from lack of oxygen. My heart was racing and I couldn't see anything. I was having an anxiety attack and all I could think of was death. I was going to die, holding the shirt of my dead uncle. It was almost bittersweet. But I calmed down.

Originally I had plans to buy this overly expensive cute shirt to impress people who don't give a damn about my life. I changed my mind. Instead I will donate that $100 to Cancer.Org

R.I.P. to my uncle Kelly
The love I still feel for you is immeasurable.