Monday, August 3, 2009

Ebb and Flow...

wax and wane.

My body is filled with a mix of emotions. I feel like I am a Gemini. There are times when I am *high* and floating on cloud nine. And late at night, it hits me and I began to worry and fret. How will I make it? Last night I realized it has been 3 months...unemployment is only good for 6 months. This morning I regrouped and reminded myself that I have money tucked away. I can always move back home (not ideal but I will never be homeless again...) and I hustle.

It is now August. More than half the year is over and I have not progressed too much. Every step forward includes a step back so I am stagnant. I am progressing and regressing at the same time. I contemplated disappearing and going to some foreign lands for a few years and then coming back when "the coast is clear" but I know running from problems does not solve them. They will not disappear. But at least I will not be stressed.

I haven't done anything this year that I wanted to do.
I haven't gone anywhere.
I haven't seen anyone.
I haven't achieved any goal.

But I am not sad...just indifferent. Indifferent to me is better than being sad, but also just as bad. Indifferent means I am not caring anymore. And do not want to not care (does that make sense?!?) The part time brings some joy. It supplements unemployment and it pays well. However, judging by my latest stack of bills, I need about 10 jobs if I want to get out of debt by age 30 (which was the goal of 2009). However, I did get my legal situations and license taken care of and I am $3000 poorer due to my "indifference" about a criminal record and suspended license. This was a crucial setback.

However I persevere. Everyday I wake up, I give thanks to the MOST HIGH that I am alive, that I have a place to live, and good food to eat. I thank Him for my family and friends. And I know things will work out however they are meant to be.

Do not think this is me being "sad" again. This is just a reflection. A reflection on the past 4 months on me losing focus. I am NOT refocused however. I just realized that I am fucking up royally.


  1. Honey, do I know where you are. I don't think there is anything I can say to make you feel better. But I will say, at least you realize. "Knowing is half the battle" Am I right?
    You know you have so much going for you. This is the time to focus on REFOCUSING. Handle that. You know where you are and where you want to be. Find the path to get you there.
    I know how you feel. I've been "lost" for about a year. I don't mind being jobless. Homeschooling is a job in itself. I do miss getting paid though. LOL. But I really feel whole, if that makes sense. I feel so complete right now, being at home with my girls.
    Focus on the positive and refocus on making the negative disappear.
    Love ya!

  2. When I was on unemployment '07-'08, I swore I was gonna go back to school & pay my bills. I was getting good money sitting home, there is so much I could have done. The time flew by and I had achieved nothing. Something about unemployment throws you off track, it's unnatural if you're a person who has any drive at all. And so, once your hourglass is emptied and you are back in the rhythm, your productivity should go through the roof! I'm still on that DO BETTER movement with you!