I am mad at myself and rightfully so. Mad, angry, anxious, nervous. It's not a great time for me right now but I am trying to be positive. I can't truly explain to people how I feel (trapped in a box, struggling to break free, bound to things that I don't want) but it's suffice to say that everything I am experiencing now is my own fault.
I clearly ignored way to many things and now, in 2009, I am paying for it. Financially and spiritually. LOL. I try to laugh to keep from crying as I am hit with one thing after the other because I just KNOW that once this is over, everything will be fine but sometimes it feels like that mountain is just TOO high for me climb. Sometimes I get mad at my parents for not teaching me better, and sometimes I mad at myself for not knowing better. It's really too late to be angry. I need to do what I need to do.
But ME, having to write $1000 checks every other week for dumb mess I did is not hot. I am sitting here now with another infraction on my head trying to figure out how I will fix THIS one. I don't have the funds, don't have the time to go through it, and I am unprepared to cry and beg to the people to let me go this once. They had pardoned me once before in 2003 for $4500 and I am thankful that has not popped back up. It's times like this I REALLY wish I lived in NY so I wouldn't have to worry about having a car or getting from point a to b. Hell living in DC would even be better! This shit is stressful. And I am hustling hard at the PT job trying to re-stack the dough I keep losing but as soon as I get paid from Peter, I have to pay Paul. And it will be this way for a while. I just Thank God that I got the new job before everything started tumbling down. I would be SOL if this was going on while I was still at my old job.
And then it's not just money, it's my life in general. It does not suck but I am certainly not where I want nor need to be. I just want to leave for a while. Get a job that allows me to explore the real me. I want to be out and about helping people, all over. Not sitting in my office, stressing over my life and how will I hustle up the next $3G I need by next weekend. I just want to be able to let everything GO and just BE. Me, one suitcase, one dream, going around the world. Helping people. Learning.
No bills to worry about (isn't that we all want), no rent, car note, insurance, credit cards, credit reports...none of that. it's funny, I was happier when I was homeless.
I guess me being homeless will be the next blog. I am blessed. It's just hard sometimes. And it's only me.